musings on rebecca (spoilers!)

having just finished my book, rebecca by daphne du maurier, has given me plenty to dwell upon, especially that pertaining to the subject of punishment. even after her untimely death, the title character continues to torment her surviving husband maxim, and in turn his new bride, the unnamed title character. rebecca punishes the new couple by driving a stake in their marriage, by creating chaos in their lives, and as the first chapter of the novel suggests, by forcing them into exile. even after her death, she has control over their lives, and late in the novel it is even suggested toward the end of the novel that she manipulated her husband into murdering her.

more than often, however, the punisher feels repercussions to their doling punishment:

betty: "you know we don’t talk to him. that's part of his punishment."
matthew: "how can you just sit here hour after hour and listen to that?"
betty: "well, that's part of mine."
— desperate housewives, episode 2.02

i suppose that's what i'm feeling right now. trapped in my tiny room in my tiny apartment in this tiny state. regretting so many of my actions from the previous week, when all i wanted to do was to get back at you. now i'm alone here and i'm realizing that in this way you got exactly what you wanted all along.

fuck you.

i wish i could go back to the days in which i was an intellectual. a bohemian. a believer in rationality. an enlightened and content individual. not one who is trapped midway between the punishing and the punishment. i think about this when i'm at work. i talk about this when i'm with my friends. it consumes my life.

and i want out.

i'm giving up the last of my remaining vices. i want to be known for my successful career, for my advanced educational level, for my strong network of friends and coworkers. i don't want to be known as someone who resembles a character from a queer soap opera.

and right now, i'm neglecting the rest of my life. i'm no longer healthy. i am weak. and i brought it onto myself.