if you see her, say hello

i know you all were expecting a post on bloemfontein. and i'll get there, i promise. but i just wanted to share some of my recent musings.

so, i've got this problem. i'm always thinking ahead. which doesn't sound like such a dilemma, unless you factor in the fact that its consequence is that i'm never content with the here and now. like, last semester, i was fixated on the prospect of going to cape town, and this one, all i can think about is everything i've got going on next semester. i mean, i'm gonna get involved in chad's new liberty society club at gw; i'm gonna be doing stuff with ΣAΛ, my honours fraternity; i'll likely be back at my fab job at dsw, at least over christmas; i'm gonna find a great internship, which shouldn't be too difficult considering employers like hiring interns with at least junior standing, which i've got now; i'll be taking classes at gw again, which will be such a breath of fresh air since uct's coursework doesn't challenge me whatsoever; and, most crucially, i'll be back with all my amazing friends. right now, it all sounds pretty sweet.

and yet, even though i'm sure this semester will be over before i know it, i've still got a ways to go (33 days, to be precise) before i leave cape town. i've carved out a niche here and established a modus operandi for myself here: indeed, i volunteer, i intern, i go to class, i go to on-campus clubs, i explore the city. and yet, i can't help but feel listless toward my being in the present day.

were my expectations far too unrealistically high for cape town, and ergo i'm not suffering the consequences of such thinking? or, am i merely fated to live in a state of being in which i am perpetually excited for what lies ahead whilst remaining nonplussed toward my present status?

there's arguments for both, i guess. one element that's certainly served to the detriment of this current semester is the lack of genuine friendships that i feel i have here. the truth is that i really don't have any south african friends, and the overwhelming majority of my friendships with americans feel trite and contrived; those that might have a little more meaning, well, they simply haven't been able to replace the ones i left behind. the last time i felt this way was in 2nd grade.... i had no friends then, either, and the prospect of moving to thousand oaks made me feel extremely hopeful. now, 13 years later, i find myself in the same dilemma.

on the other hand, what if i am not so lucky as to be chugging toward a blissful dénouement? indeed, what if i am doomed to wander the earth, cursed by my own today, never truly able to reach that golden tomorrow? it's entirely possible: reflecting on my previous blog entries, i find myself constantly discussing my then-seemingly exciting future plans whilst lamenting past decisions leading to my then-present. will this pattern lead to an eternal listlessness on my end?

in truth, i imagine that the answer lies somewhere between the two. as quinton has said, studying abroad in cape town is not solely about learning about south african culture, customs, politics, society, etc.; it's about becoming an increasingly global citizen, and to that end, becoming more aware of my own identity as an american. indeed, it'd be impossible to say that this semester is just like any other semester during my undergrad. the lessons i'm learning are far more momentous than ones i've learned in semesters past.

so, let's take a look at what i've figured out.

first and foremost, i am utterly, indisputably, and irrevocably proud to be an american. south africans wishing to travel to the united kingdom must obtain a visa, through their local british consulate, before departing south africa. when i went to the united kingdom, all i did was click a few buttons on orbitz, take a sleeping pill, and off went the plane. (brangelina were crazy to deny their swakopmund-born daughter an american passport in favour of a namibian one.)

when my greatgrandparents left german-occupied austria in 1941, their voyage took them sprinting through the fields of western europe, carrying my grandfather in their arms as they ran, for fear that the nazi soldiers chasing them would catch up to them. i'm an american thanks to their willpower.

second, as much as i complain about it and ridicule it, the truth is that i absolutely love attending george washington university. not to sound terribly conceited, but people tell me left and right that i could've gotten into georgetown with my sat scores. it's a great school, but egad, why would i want to go there? i get to go to school in the same neighbourhood as the naval hospital, the state department, and the world bank. my freshman dorm was 4 blocks from the white house. i could see the washington monument from my sophomore dorm. the tv sets in my student union play cnn and msnbc, not espn. there are busts of our nation's first president scattered throughout campus. classes are tough, but i always walk away from any given semester having enjoyed at least a couple of them. and most importantly, even though i chastise gw for not playing an active role in my pursuits, it's still helped me nonetheless in obtaining employment (via the very pleasing line it adds to my résumé), exploring dc (thanks to its conveniently placed metro stop, proximity to the mall, etc.), and making friends.

that brings me to my final point. when i left california in 2007, i couldn't believe what i was doing... how could i say good-bye to the 10 years i'd spent formulating friendships in thousand oaks? then, i got to dc, and i find myself in a world in which i could walk down any given sidewalk and assuredly run into someone i know for a quick hello. i certainly see a lot of faces to which i'm averse, too, but nevertheless, i've been very blessed to have encountered a wide and warm social circle over my 2 years in dc.

if there's one lesson i'd like to take away from my semester abroad, it's to never, ever take the individuals in my life for granted. they're all too important and too precious to be overlooked or dismissed. being 12,000 miles away from them all certainly has stressed the importance of this credence for me.

on the one hand, i'm sure that, in the future, i'll succumb to my natural process of longing for the future whilst listless toward the present. on the other, i feel as if my experience studying here in south africa has somehow been too monumental to regard as "just any other semester", and consequently, i hope to be able to cherish these elements (my country, my school, and my life) of my life, as well as many more (my family, my job, my travels, god, etc.), with much more fervor than ever before.

i know that, as i sit here, alone in my room on a saturday night, i certainly do right now.