if i could start again, a million miles away, i would keep myself, i would find a way

i'm currently torn between lamenting my poorly made decisions within the recent past (most of which stemmed from me being overly wound up and bitchy) and throwing my hands into the air in resignation.

specifically speaking, what i should have done this summer is skipped my cousin's bar mitzvah and the no doubt concert in bakersfield, postponed my jury duty until june, lived in that apartment in arlington with paul until after the ihs seminar, taken the train to winston-salem to attend the ihs seminar, and not go back to california until mid-june.

however, i was not able to do this because:

• i'd already promised my family i'd attend my cousin's bar mitzvah
• i'd already bought the tickets to the concert in bakersfield
• i didn't know i could postpone my jury duty any further
• i didn't think i'd be able to afford living in paul's apartment (even though money's way worse for me right now because of not having a job)
• i didn't want my family getting upset with me

these are all stupid reasons that demonstrate my lack of research where it was necessary, but it is what it is. currently, i'm conflicted between dwelling on these and trying to move on from all this. i'm going to south africa soon... i want to put all of this behind me. unfortunately, however, i can't.

that all being said, north carolina is great. i am having a fab time with brittney. it's too bad my mind is so preoccupied, though. oh well... we nonetheless managed to go out tonight and went to this gay club. definitely the lamest club i've ever been to. the music was nothing i'd even ever heard (even on 80s night! ugh), there was a serious lack of people, and the people who were there were either straight or 50. gross.

tomorrow, we're (hopefully) going to the natural sciences museum, then we're partying it up for her boyfriend's birthday. i love how popular i am in north carolina! ;)