i want to hold your hand

so i've quit the bou. a rash decision, perhaps. but there are more important issues to which i must attend. like my grades. i didn't do as well on mid terms as i'd hoped. and my orthodontics. my permanent retainer - the one i'd had on my bottom teeth for roughly 4 years - broke off on sat. while i was on the metro. like, literally, broke right off. as in, i was able to pull it out of my mouth. it doesn't hurt, but i felt like there was pressure in my mouth for a day or so, and the roughness from the concrete that held my retainer in is severely irritating my tongue. i need to call my orthodontist from home today and determine if i need to seek help here in dc, before i go home on may 10.

anyway, my manager seemed pretty peeved in the e-mail she sent me, probably because i really gave no notice, lol. i felt bad until i got that e-mail, then i remembered all of those damn office politics that deafened my experience at the bou. you know how i said that i was on manager #4 in my 3-month tenure at the bou? i have a feeling this one might soon be on her way out as well. i need a place of employment that doesn't serve up that shit. i have enough anxieties and stresses on my own without work adding to these.

(plus, my manager kept on wanting me to come to meetings and training sessions during my classes... isn't that illegal?)

i have enough pocket money to get me through the rest of this school year. then i'm going home on may 10... for how long, i don't know. finding a summer internship is proving to be more challenging than i'd originally anticipated, and without a genuine reason to stay in the dc area, i fear that ventura county until the end of august is becoming a more likely destiny of mine. (at least i'd save on rent.)

i guess the realization i'm coming to is that i really don't have any idea what i'm doing with my life, both short and long term. this is college, and i'm an adult: there's no one to guide me, no one to hold my hand. if i could go back in time to one year ago, i'm not convinced that the new set of choices i'd make would benefit me more than the ones that i did make in reality. this is odd for someone who is as organized and as linearly minded as i am: i was the 9 year old who was looking through college catalogues and apartment guides. now, the time has come for me to truly utilize these materials, and suddenly i don't know what choices to make. maybe it's because whatever choice i make now does actually affect my life, either beneficially or adversely.

i guess i'm just not used to this whole "being an adult" deal. and i have a fear of fucking up. will you hold my hand?

does anyone actually read this blog? hmm...

organizations at which i am applying for summer internships:

aids action
aids foundation of chicago
alliance for justice
animal welfare league of arlington
ashoka
atlantic council of the u.s.
center for a new american dream
center for public integrity
child welfare league of america
common cause
community transportation center
co-op america
e. glaser pediatric aids found.
environmental working group
greater washington urban league
human rights first
human rights watch
institute for policy studies
league of conservation voters
natl. resources defense council
people for the american way
potomac inst. for policy studies
project on govt. oversight
public citizen
rape, abuse & incest natl. network
resources for the future
usaction
wave, inc.
winning connections

organizations which have called me in for an interview:



yeah, so apparently i fail at finding an internship... and i am NOT letting caribou coffee become the highlight of my summer in washington!
(though technically prince george's county, because i'm too poor to actually live in the city)
suggestions, anybody?

i just ate a whole pint of ice cream

i did nothing of note today. the most intriguing detail of my life right now is that fancy cappuccino i had in eastern market on saturday. i miss that cappuccino. :(

i should have done cover letters for my internship applications but i didn't. instead, i sat around on the internet and worried about my favorite subjects to worry about (you know, money, school, friendships, money, the boy, money, yadda yadda yadda). bottom line, i succeeded in staying moody and peevish all day long.

oh, i did book my flight for my next trip to california... may 10, bitches!!

ok, bedtime. adam is waking up in an hour to leave for québec... the solitude will either be a blessing or a curse.

last night was pretty crazy

she asked how we are
she asked if i was all weird again
and of course i am
but i'm trying really hard
so i lied to her
and i was wearing this prisoner face
so deep inside she had to know
once again i've lost control

for everything, there is a reason
everything, i hope in time, will come

lying in your bed
i am a refugee you try to love
but the love that he killed
keeps coming back and haunting me
am i wasting all of your time
and all my cute days on regrets?
is it healthy that we met?

everything always in time will show
then we will know it will show
everything always in time will come

is it wrong holding in on too much?
to my best friend, my faded lover?
who knows?

cinderella hope
and it's all because he made me laugh
coincidence or fate
running towards a catastrophe
save me

everything always in time is gone
it'll be gone, we'll be gone
everything always in time will come
oh it will come, it will come
for everything there is a reason
i believe for everything there is a reason
and everything always in time will come

so there's this guy...

and he's AMAZING.

so if everyone else can see i'm worth it, then why can't i?

(btw, thanks for the great weekend. you know how you are)

*********

midterms are kicking my ass, but luckily i'll be done as of thursday. then it's a full-time week at the bou - not as ideal as j.lopez's trip to the bahamas, but at least i'll walk away with a wad of dough. hopefully it will give me time to meet the (seemingly chill) new manager, judith. fuck me, is this really the 4th manager i've had there since starting in january?

"my name is mary alice young. when you read this morning’s paper you may come across an article about the unusual day i had last week. normally there is never anything newsworthy about my life, but that all changed last thursday. of course everything seemed quite normal at first. i made breakfast for my family, i performed my chores, i completed my projects, i ran my errands. in truth, i spent the day as i spent every other day, quietly polishing the routine of my life, until it gleamed with perfection. that’s why it was so astonishing when i decided to go to my hallway closet and retrieve a revolver that had never been used."
-- pilot, desperate housewives

↑ i wish i could write something that tantalizing (if you couldn't tell, i'm having writer's block in my creative writing class right now)

all i can say is that my life is pretty plain

back from philly. it was basically me hanging out with adam's friends and adam's brother at adam's house in adam's hometown... without adam. it was awesome.


i even was in adam's bed at one point.

other than that, i have the slightest suspicion that i'm becoming a nihilist. (serves me right for going to the frida kahlo exhibit at the philadelphia museum of art ♥.) i remember when i visited northeastern univ. in 2006, they told us on the tour that the most popular course there is one on existentialist theory and death. maybe i would have fit in better there...? i guess we shall never know now as i am too lazy to bother with transfer apps.

i need to give up my vices. i don't take very good care of myself. i'll start by going to bed now as i have work in 5 ½ hours (ugh).