2008: in review.

(over instant messenger)
me: "what kind of critters do you have in idaho?"
amanda: "i don't know, buffalo?"

this is the 6th time this calendar year that i have come back to visit california. considering i now live across the continent, i would say that this number is excessive.

nonetheless, i'm glad to be home right now. there's a lot of friend drama going on for me in washington, and i'm glad to be away from that for a while.

i need to be a different person when i go back to washington in january. i'm realizing that, maybe, i don't need to accept the fact that i'm unhappy with my life. i want to get out more. i want to go to clubs and meet new people. i want to rebuild the friendships i've watched deteriorate over the past few months. i want to take the risks that i've feared. i want to refuse to accept a life of humbleness.

by and large, 2008 was an epic failure. i can honestly say that i was happier with my life at the beginning of this year than i am now. sure, i've made some incredible gains in my life, especially academically and professionally. but i have fewer friends and i find that i have less fun in general. aren't i a little too young to be dispirited by life?

i need to set some goals for myself for the new year, goals of how to improve my life. unfortunately, my track record notes my failure to actualize the vast majority of my goals.

taken from my blog entry from august 24th — my goals for fall 2008:
✓ going to a few baseball games ← sadly, this was the most actualized of all my goals, but only in part: i only made it to one game.
✓ taking a class at a dance studio ← did not happen.
✓ finding a shooting gallery ← did not happen.
✓ reading fear and loathing in las vegas ← did not happen, although i did go to a used book store and ask if they had a copy. they did not.
✓ visiting other east coast cities ← did not happen, but in all fairness, i was incredibly sick during the weekend that my friends went to new york. plans are currently underway for a trip of my own to the big apple at the end of january, though.
✓ working out more ← HAH.
✓ registering as a member of apsa ← did not happen (this should have been the easiest of them all to accomplish).

i know i ought to give myself the benefit of the doubt with regards to that list of goals because i was sick for so much of the semester, but in all honesty, i've felt like i've become increasingly miserable as 2008 has progressed. first, there was the roller coaster ride that was phil and i. then, there was the nightmare of trying to make it on my own for a summer. more recently, there was being sick. and all the while, i felt like i was watching my friendships — specifically, my closest ones — slip away from me. sure, i've met some great people throughout 2008, but man, what i wouldn't give to have the closeness to patty and joanna that i had last year, when i lived down the hall from them in thurston.

as it stands, i have 1 ½ years of college left. i want to make the most of them while i still can. as my friend matt told me whenever i complain about wanting to graduate, "you'll be saying the opposite the minute you graduate." i know i'm career-oriented, but maybe he's on to something. i want to hang out with my friends in the dorms. i want to go to clubs and concerts with them. this isn't high school, and i shouldn't feel as unpopular now as i did then. i want to be 19. i want to fit in. i want my friends to call me up and invite me out to have some fun.

i spent my entire life waiting to be college. why shouldn't i enjoy it now that i've achieved it?

or, perhaps, i am incapable of overcoming my dissatisfaction?

with every passing day, a summer in california — or, at least, part of it — sounds increasingly appetizing. perhaps it's just because i am burned out on washington and desire a change. i'm fairly certain that i won't be persuing an internship for over the summer — between weddings, graduations, a bar mitzvah, classes, and seminars, i don't have time to bend my schedule to the will of an intern coordinator. with that, the need to stay within the beltway diminishes. that being said, i'm thinking i might spend the first half of the summer here in california, and the second in dc. i'd miss my gw friends, living on my own, and being in a city. but, in reality, i miss having a best friend who's known me for more than 1 ½ years, living on my own is terribly expensive, and washington in the summer is DISGUSTING (i can't decide what's worse: humidity or tourists!).

like i said, though, i'm afraid that, in the end, no option or path in life will ever truly make me happy. so when amanda told me that she'd consider marrying her ex when she returns from his mission, i told her to never settle for anyone less than the love of her life, because she deserves the utmost in happiness (and besides, eternity is a long time to spend with someone you're lukewarm about). i truly believe that. i might not have found a way to make myself happy, but that doesn't mean that no one else should be. i'm not THAT bitter. ;)

(thanks for letting me rant.)