hey there delilah, what's it like in new york city?

most of you who regularly read this blog have played the unfortunate witness to the ongoing drama that is phil's and my relationship, and re-reading the last several entries of this blog i have realized that a central part that he (along with the emotions of mine that his actions seem to spur) is in my life. for those of you who don't know, phil is a great (and i do say great) guy who i have been friends with, dated, hooked up, combinations of those, all three at once, and none of those at various points within the last 9 months. to that end, i am vowing to make this the last entry in which i talk about phil.

it all comes back to new york. joe and i took a spontaneous day trip there yesterday, and, while it was loads of fun (we shopped, walked around, and had dinner at a nice restaurant), i still found myself dwelling on phil (who went to high school in nyc). i think i still like him, and i do find myself wishing that he were mine. it's like that beatles lyric, "well i'd rather see you dead, little girl, than to be with another man." that song always makes me think of him (though phil is far from a "little girl," lol).

so i had a looong talk with him today, and i'll spare you the details, but in the end, i told him that while he's a catch and i really do want to be friends with him... until i can find a way to leave my emotions behind me, i can't. and since one of my biggest character flaws is my tendency to dwell on the past, i don't think this is going to be for a while. so, i told him not to contact me until i contact him. he was incredibly understanding, he wished me well, and he said he looked forward to talking to me again in the future.

and that's that.

there is a prayer, called the serenity prayer, that goes like this: "god, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference. " the fact that he and i will never be together is something that i cannot change, but i can change how i deal with that. only now, though, do i truly have the wisdom to recognize both of those things. honestly, this is one of the hardest things i have had to do. i have cried a lot this week because i knew this was coming, and today, of course, did not permit the tears to relent.

but in the end, it is the mature thing to do. i am investing in my future. maybe now, i can move on. you may say that it will happen, but honestly i don't know if it's possible. i'm willing to try, though. if tila tequila can take a shot at love, so can i.

by and large, this summer was not the best. my apartment sucks, i never quite made it to philly or boston, and i didn't get to see my friends nearly as much as i'd hoped. but it was an investment in my future. my internship will help me get a better job later on, my class will allow me to graduate in may 2010, and i have the experience on living on my own for future knowledge. i write this knowing what a strech it is for me to have to justify all this as such. but it's true. this will all help me one day. this is the path i've chosen, and it will take me to where the lord has determined that i need to be later in life. until i get there, however, i will be morose. and that's how i feel about this whole phil situation. morose. but, it will provide me with what i will need down the road in my (love) life.

and, with that, i lay the demons of my past to rest, as i anticipate the future. who knows, maybe phil and i will one day find a way to be friends. this is very similar to what happened between adam and i in high school, and it is now just as it is then: what i need is time.

(i apologize for the overly emotional nature of this entry, by the way. it just needed to be said.)