i want to hold your hand

so i've quit the bou. a rash decision, perhaps. but there are more important issues to which i must attend. like my grades. i didn't do as well on mid terms as i'd hoped. and my orthodontics. my permanent retainer - the one i'd had on my bottom teeth for roughly 4 years - broke off on sat. while i was on the metro. like, literally, broke right off. as in, i was able to pull it out of my mouth. it doesn't hurt, but i felt like there was pressure in my mouth for a day or so, and the roughness from the concrete that held my retainer in is severely irritating my tongue. i need to call my orthodontist from home today and determine if i need to seek help here in dc, before i go home on may 10.

anyway, my manager seemed pretty peeved in the e-mail she sent me, probably because i really gave no notice, lol. i felt bad until i got that e-mail, then i remembered all of those damn office politics that deafened my experience at the bou. you know how i said that i was on manager #4 in my 3-month tenure at the bou? i have a feeling this one might soon be on her way out as well. i need a place of employment that doesn't serve up that shit. i have enough anxieties and stresses on my own without work adding to these.

(plus, my manager kept on wanting me to come to meetings and training sessions during my classes... isn't that illegal?)

i have enough pocket money to get me through the rest of this school year. then i'm going home on may 10... for how long, i don't know. finding a summer internship is proving to be more challenging than i'd originally anticipated, and without a genuine reason to stay in the dc area, i fear that ventura county until the end of august is becoming a more likely destiny of mine. (at least i'd save on rent.)

i guess the realization i'm coming to is that i really don't have any idea what i'm doing with my life, both short and long term. this is college, and i'm an adult: there's no one to guide me, no one to hold my hand. if i could go back in time to one year ago, i'm not convinced that the new set of choices i'd make would benefit me more than the ones that i did make in reality. this is odd for someone who is as organized and as linearly minded as i am: i was the 9 year old who was looking through college catalogues and apartment guides. now, the time has come for me to truly utilize these materials, and suddenly i don't know what choices to make. maybe it's because whatever choice i make now does actually affect my life, either beneficially or adversely.

i guess i'm just not used to this whole "being an adult" deal. and i have a fear of fucking up. will you hold my hand?